06​.​12​.​1940

by Without

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about

For Susan Beda and Cody Conrad. May you both find the peace you sought.

This album is free; But, all purchased downloads will be used to publish Cody Conrad's last novel.

credits

released August 10, 2015

Mixed, mastered, and engineered by Joshua Medina of Old-hat Analogue. Additional tracking and mixing done by Ian Smith.

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license

all rights reserved

about

Without Phoenix, Arizona

Pissed and pretty.

LL//CC

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Track Name: No Hummingbirds
drowned a smoke
in a body of water
murked, muddy, and still
but i could see: you
poised in your grace

you, you were standing
in front of a cross
while, behind it
the family cowered
holding their rosaries
bating their breaths

i miss the feel
of your fingers
on my palm, your skin
breaking and staying
as it would.

watching you claw your way up
out of a couch
i wish i could’ve killed you myself
to see you conscious again
to share in those last few breaths

time is never kind
i’m sorry, that they lied, too
you didn’t look young or made up.
you just looked beautiful
you were always beautiful,

I smashed my first into the mirror.
I let the blood run down my wrist.
and i knew, i knew
If we saw each other again it’d be in hell.

i dug my nails into my wrist
i screamed, at the wall
i wanted to hurt myself
i was too late, you were
gone

life isn’t meant to be
cyclical, or anything
I don't think.
We are born to die,
Alone.

(You were so beautiful.)

Why am I so haunted
By the loss of someone
Just constantly in pain

Why am I so bothered
By the loss of someone
Whose life was only pain

Maybe I'm meant to hurt alone
Just loss and pain and the grief
Track Name: Paradise Found and Lost
your ashes adorn my neck
beside where i received
the touch of god
from a god that never
cared for me
came to exist
loved me.

Loss and what follows
goddamn.
alparazolam.
Clearing
All the shackled
Memories loose.
How could a mother,
Do that to her son?

Now i hate mostly
Everything and everyone
The sound these
Voices make as
They beg for god
To hear them
To fear them.

A smile doesn't
Match a face
A heart filled
By religious chaste
Put them in water
Make them drown
With a badge
Reading I believed
I believed
I believed
"At least I believed"

around them, i worry
about footing within
the family and what
we refuse to believe
we lost.
the matriarch, some
were gifted to call their mother
a home to show our children
one to relive the youth
we lost.

I will never kneel.
I will never bow,
my head as a sign,
of respect and appreciation.

Your god means nothing to me
His son means nothing to me
Track Name: Grief and it's Service
I lost my mind in Glendale
After you died,
I relapsed and waited,
by the mailbox for that check.

Life always finds a way
to keep things in their place
this existence of misery
is getting old
i never sleep.

i stare at figure of the woman
the sole reason my heart beats
and i wonder, if she were to leave
how would i
finally kill myself

theres a note, a letter somewhere
with your initials on the stamp
covered in blood
from when i split
my knuckles on the mirror

if you could look inside, if only
you’d find a torn piece of paper
ramblings of my loss
the acting of loss
of grief’s services rendered to me.

people say the worst things to me
oh, she died so peacefully
(she died so peacefully)

i’ve seen things since you’ve left
your family fall apart
your son avoid the unknown
your daughters eat each-other
my mother’s youngest being fed
their scraps of empathy.