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06​.​12​.​1940

by Without

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1.
drowned a smoke in a body of water murked, muddy, and still but i could see: you poised in your grace you, you were standing in front of a cross while, behind it the family cowered holding their rosaries bating their breaths i miss the feel of your fingers on my palm, your skin breaking and staying as it would. watching you claw your way up out of a couch i wish i could’ve killed you myself to see you conscious again to share in those last few breaths time is never kind i’m sorry, that they lied, too you didn’t look young or made up. you just looked beautiful you were always beautiful, I smashed my first into the mirror. I let the blood run down my wrist. and i knew, i knew If we saw each other again it’d be in hell. i dug my nails into my wrist i screamed, at the wall i wanted to hurt myself i was too late, you were gone life isn’t meant to be cyclical, or anything I don't think. We are born to die, Alone. (You were so beautiful.) Why am I so haunted By the loss of someone Just constantly in pain Why am I so bothered By the loss of someone Whose life was only pain Maybe I'm meant to hurt alone Just loss and pain and the grief
2.
your ashes adorn my neck beside where i received the touch of god from a god that never cared for me came to exist loved me. Loss and what follows goddamn. alparazolam. Clearing All the shackled Memories loose. How could a mother, Do that to her son? Now i hate mostly Everything and everyone The sound these Voices make as They beg for god To hear them To fear them. A smile doesn't Match a face A heart filled By religious chaste Put them in water Make them drown With a badge Reading I believed I believed I believed "At least I believed" around them, i worry about footing within the family and what we refuse to believe we lost. the matriarch, some were gifted to call their mother a home to show our children one to relive the youth we lost. I will never kneel. I will never bow, my head as a sign, of respect and appreciation. Your god means nothing to me His son means nothing to me
3.
I lost my mind in Glendale After you died, I relapsed and waited, by the mailbox for that check. Life always finds a way to keep things in their place this existence of misery is getting old i never sleep. i stare at figure of the woman the sole reason my heart beats and i wonder, if she were to leave how would i finally kill myself theres a note, a letter somewhere with your initials on the stamp covered in blood from when i split my knuckles on the mirror if you could look inside, if only you’d find a torn piece of paper ramblings of my loss the acting of loss of grief’s services rendered to me. people say the worst things to me oh, she died so peacefully (she died so peacefully) i’ve seen things since you’ve left your family fall apart your son avoid the unknown your daughters eat each-other my mother’s youngest being fed their scraps of empathy.
4.

about

For Susan Beda and Cody Conrad. May you both find the peace you sought.

This album is free; But, all purchased downloads will be used to publish Cody Conrad's last novel.

credits

released August 10, 2015

Mixed, mastered, and engineered by Joshua Medina of Old-hat Analogue. Additional tracking and mixing done by Ian Smith.

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Without Phoenix, Arizona

Pissed and pretty.

LL//CC

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